Thoughts of a Neurotic Chanteuse

hm.

neuroticchanteuse — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 04:53:07 +0000

I know you are reading this. When I lent you my computer I deleted the link from my bookmarks and set it to not remember my password or user name. Yet somehow you still found this. That will always be a mystery to me I suppose.

These feelings were never meant for your eyes. They are so personal and painful and just…not for anyone else that I know to read.

That’s why every entry is private now. Thanks. (

If you’re reading this, i think I at least deserve to know

neuroticchanteuse — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 06:28:03 +0000

So I’m pretty sure that someone I know has visited this blog in the past and possibly is still once in awhile…..I think that I at least deserve to know that you know. Maybe then I could actually have someone to talk to once in awhile who knew what was really going on in my life. Or you could keep acting like you don’t know, but please…..

While I wish that you didn’t know about this, if you do, please at least tell me.

A long vent

neuroticchanteuse — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 06:03:09 +0000

Hm. Today was a really hard day. My coworker looks so pregnant now. She was laying on the floor today and we could see the baby move inside her belly. She was talking about how the baby moves all the time.
Later one of my clients went berserk and was yelling at me about how we don’t understand how horrible her life is because she had a baby growing inside her and had to give it up. I almost puked all over the floor. Oh how I wish I could feel a baby growing inside me. I do of course feel for her, I care about her pain and her problems but it hurts so much to hide alone in my pain in this situation.

What a shit ass day. Thank god that its my weekend now. Thank god my boss is sick and won’t be in to torture my coworkers tomorrow. What a horrible horrible boss I have and what a horrible horrible day. Argh.

Changes

neuroticchanteuse — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 06:20:00 +0000

For the first month after my appointment I was taking Effexor XR 37.5 mg for 1 week then 75mg for 3 weeks. Ativan 1mg tabs taken in .5mg doses for anxiety as needed. I went back 9 days ago and my dose was increased to 150mg per day. Continue ativan as needed, return in 2 months.

I forgot to to take my medicine today for the first time. I was seriously suffering some withdrawal symptoms. Doing research led me to the horrible truth about going off of the medication. Good thing I don’t need to go off of it.

I feel wonderful! It helps me so much. I have a few side effects but its gotten better. I can sleep and my anxiety is decently better. She increased the dose in the hopes that the anxiety could get better.

The worst thing is that its a class c medication for pregnancy so if my one dream was ever to come true I would have to go off of the medication. ouch. Sadly, thankfully??!? (ouch) I don’t think we will really have a baby of our own ever. I wish I could come to terms with that. I don’t see it happening though.

I’m becoming a vegetarian. So far today i have eaten no meat. Yesterday I watched a video that opened my eyes to the horror of the meat industry. I am literally scarred for life by what I saw. I am commited and excited for this change in my life.

Going to the doctor

neuroticchanteuse — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 07:18:57 +0000

I’m going to the doctor in 37 hours. I need to get my thoughts in order so that I can tell her what’s going on as clearly as I can.

I can’t sleep enough and I wake up feeling as though I didn’t sleep.

I’ve been having a lot of chest pains and feeling panicky more than normal. I’m irrationally afraid to leave my house at all times or to be alone anywhere. Even during the day.

I can’t concentrate and I can’t make myself do anything even if I know I need to do it

I used to love my job. I can’t hardly make myself do anything when I get there, I hardly have the motivation to even get out of bed. I feel like quitting is my only option even if it hurts the clients. I’ve never felt like this before. My job is so stressful right now for me and I can never get a vacation.

I feel physically sick to my stomach more often than not and I have no appetite for anything at all.

We’ve been trying to have a baby for 27 months. Its extremely disappointing and because my insurance will not cover anything regarding infertility or even basic wellness visits, I can not do anything about it. My cycles are very irregular and I have had a CT scan show a 5cm cyst after having side pain. I have the very same side pain fairly frequently (3 out of 4 cycles i would guess), around the same time each month generally, and sometimes it switches sides but never mid month.

I hope she can help me. With at least one of my problems (

A navy wife, Me?

neuroticchanteuse — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:19:09 +0000

We are considering the navy life. Scary and uncertain but the advantages are hard to overlook. The insurance is awesome and much better than the insurance I have and he has no insurance at all. Housing paid or a Housing Allowance, Food Allowance, there’s just so much. I can stay at home, be a housewife who would hopefully become a stay at home mom as soon as possible.

Goals While *he* is in the navy:

Reach my ultimate goal weight

Have a baby

Control Stress through Yoga, Meditation, etc.

Healthy Eating (unprocessed and homemade as much as possible)

Have a garden when/if possible

Call my mom every day

Blog Daily in at least one blog (Private blog and Public blog for him and my family)

Read at least 1 book/week

Travel/Visit People

Get completely out of debt

Buy a desktop Mac Computer

I want to find that I am a strong woman and become healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. Its going to be hard and it will suck. A lot probably, I don’t even think I really know what I’m getting myself in to but I’m willing to try. I’m not going into it expecting rainbows and glitter. I’m realistic.

Cycle Day 4 after another disappointing month

neuroticchanteuse — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 04:19:34 +0000

Ouch. Sucks. Yeah my life. I have nothing much to say because I feel like the world is evil. I’m extremely bitter

Cycle Day 1. Woo. :o(

neuroticchanteuse — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 23:24:11 +0000

Yeah. thats right. Another disappointing end to a extremely hopeful cycle. I can’t hardly handle the disappointment I feel in my myself.

But if you would pick me up I’d be obliged

neuroticchanteuse — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 05:24:05 +0000

But if you would pick me up I’d be obliged/ dust me off and push my hair aside/ Kiss me Goodbye

I’m feeling the hurt every day still. When will an entire day pass that I could go without thinking about him. Or about getting pregnant, or rather NOT getting pregnant.

I think the depression is taking over my life. I feel exhausted after 10 hours of sleep. I feel sick all the time and always have a pounding headache. Tension.

I know this 24th cycle of TTC is about to be over. Spotting. As always about 3-5 days before I start. Great. ( I can hardly handle it

*I love Julia Nunes so as always Lyrics by her. This song is called Stairwell and it’s on her new CD “I wrote these”

How do you get that lonely?

neuroticchanteuse — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:01:40 +0000

Every day I feel slightly more normal. Every time I think of him my eyes tear up and I can’t think of anything else. I miss him so much.